Gift baskets are out of date!  Or is it that they’re just boring?  Actually, I hope the correct response is neither.  (Lock it in; that’s my final answer.)  I’m actually a gift food merchant.  Kind of has a special ring to is, doesn’t it?  While I agree that it’s not quite the same as being a test pilot or a neurosurgeon, it’s an honest way to pay for tuition for my grandson.  Or at least it would be a good way to do so if more of you bought my products.

I know what you’re thinking: “I’ll bet he never has a problem deciding what to give during the holidays; he just gives the same boring baskets year after year to everyone.”  How dare you think about me in that way!  I actually have the same problems you have in deciding what gift is best for everyone on my list.

I don’t give only baskets of joy to my loved ones.  Even if I did just give gift baskets to everyone, my choice would be only marginally easier than yours.  My company alone offers scores of fruit baskets, wine gift baskets, gourmet food options and far more.  (I can hear you right now, begging me to tell you where this wonderful store is.  Please be patient.)

Before you bribe me (or threaten me) to share my store location with you, I want to tell you about my own decision making approach.

First, I decide on an appropriate category of gift.  If Uncle Milton has his drinking problem under control for the first time in ten years, I should not even consider the wine baskets.  Instead, I’ll opt for a fruit basket with something seasonal.  After years of ignoring the nutritional value of what he consumed, he could use a few extra servings of fruit in solid form.

Aunt Millie, on the other hand, is a great wine sipper.  Frankly, I don’t know if she really enjoys the wine, but she sure enjoys talking about it.  She loves to let everyone know the best vintage years, the kinds of grapes that are used in various blends and, most of all, how much she spent on the wine you just spilled all over her new carpeting ( a square yard).  I’ll give her one of my better wine gift baskets, but I refuse to give her the best stuff.  Sure, I get it wholesale, but I still have to pay for it!  (I’m also not going to pay for the carpet cleaning; not after what that cat of hers did to my new coat.)

Everyone in our family, except me, says that my nephew Alfred finally made his girlfriend an honest woman.  I, on the other hand, never doubted his girlfriend’s honesty, but I have some reasons to suspect Alfred.  In any case, they finally got married.  To tell you the truth, even I agree that it’s about time.  Alfred spent the last eight years trying to decide if she was worth the cost of a diamond ring.  (I suspect that he eventually settled on crystal, which, considering Alfred, would be thought of as generous.)  Alfred always loves to receive cash as a gift.  There’s no way that I’m satisfying that desire.  His wife wouldn’t get a dime of it.  Instead, they’re getting a meal of live lobsters and the trimmings from me.  Actually two, of course.  I figure it’s the only way to get that cheap guy’s new bride out of the kitchen for an evening.  (They honeymooned by visiting me!)

Second, I decide how much I’m willing to spend on these losers.

My grandson is getting the latest video game system.  Let’s face it; he is truly special.

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